I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
