Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
