dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
