soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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