'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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