Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
