im about as happy as oj after his trial
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
