Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
