We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
