she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
