I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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