his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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