just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
