he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
