it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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