i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
