Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
