I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
