WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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