If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
