If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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