Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I love having hate sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
