ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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