The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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