are you still at the devil's house?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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