I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
