Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
