I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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