Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
