You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
