I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
