I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
