if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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