seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
