I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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