If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
