I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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