Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
