a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
