So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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