Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The best revenge is premature balding
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
