apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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