She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
