That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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