did you get engaged???
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's never too late to be topless.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
