Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
