My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
