She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
