I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
