You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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