I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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