ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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