Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
