I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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